


Diary of a Misfit Lover

by theasexualfangirl



Category: Original Work
Genre: Hopeless Romantic, Just Bear With Me, i have some thoughts i want to write about, i'm questioning everything, thaaaaats me, this probably isn't anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-10-19 08:29:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10636125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theasexualfangirl/pseuds/theasexualfangirl
Summary: is it love or is it the feeling of having someone who wants to stay





	1. Chapter 1

i don't know when or how, but i might have feelings for you.

people have asked if i do, and i've denied them.  
it's not like i want to see you with your clothes off  
or make out with you when nobody sees.

i might just want to have you to hold.  
i might just like the way you look at me.  
i might just want to hear your encouraging words.  
i might just like having someone who shows me affection.

it's probably nothing,  
but letting me borrow your shirt  
and having your scent i never noticed  
hang on my body for the rest of the day  
felt so wonderful.

the soft feeling  
that i never knew suited you  
wrapping around my body  
almost felt uncomfortable  
because i knew you never thought of me like that.

i look into your eyes and find it hard to read  
what emotion you're feeling,  
if any at all.

how is it that we're so different  
but you treat me like we're the same?

how is it that we only see each other  
two hours in one day  
when we're in the same place  
but it feels like we're always together?

i hope you feel the same confusion  
but i know you don't.

we joke about dating,  
and we joke about being married.

people ask us if we're together,  
they even have a "ship name."

it's crazy to think that we're so different  
but we're the same.

i could take pictures of you  
every single day if i had the courage.

eyes:  
your eyes seem like  
a simple dark brown to you.  
to me, however,  
they're not some ordinary brown.  
they're a deep, swirly,  
dark chocolate, melted and sweet.  
in the sun, they seem to shine  
with the purest gold.  
they say eyes can express so many emotions,  
but you always say how you don't have any.  
i find that easy to believe.  
you were always the more grounded one,  
aside from your occasional anger.  
i don't think i've ever seen a single tear fall  
from your eyes,  
though you say i have.  
i can't remember, and you say that's a good thing.  
i love seeing your eyes.  
i really do.  
wide, sarcastic, forgiving.

hair:  
you used to hate it.  
you used to wear it in a ponytail,  
curling at the nape of your neck.  
you wore it down with a fabric headband.  
you started straightening out your long curls.  
we joke about you cutting your bangs,  
and how horrendous it was when they grew too long.  
you stopped straightening it for a while.  
it was down to your shoulders and wavy.  
then, you cut it.  
it was short. extremely short.  
oddly enough, you swept it to the opposite side of mine.  
i think you stopped straightening it.  
it feels softer now.  
it's still that same near-black-but-still-brown color,  
even though you say you would dye it  
an unnatural blue or red.  
short, comforting, new.

smile:  
god, your smile.  
it's a rarity, but when it happens,  
it's usually with a laugh.  
you like to cover it up sometimes.  
you say you hate your smile, too.  
i think it says a lot about you  
how it fades after you laugh for a short moment.  
you have happiness for a short while,  
then it vanishes with the blink of an eye.  
we used to have braces,  
but we both agreed how your teeth were worse than mine.  
it's good to see a confident smile now.  
that is, when you put one on.  
it means a lot that i can make you smile.  
genuine, elusive, infectious.

body:  
where to begin?  
i always tell you that i'm jealous of your figure.  
though it is a bit unhealthy  
that you don't take care of yourself,  
i still want to be as small as you.  
you say you need to lose weight,  
but it can't see it.  
you always wear the softest clothes,  
and it feels characteristically sweet  
when you wrap your arms around me.  
it's odd to think that  
you feel so negatively towards your body,  
when all i can see is something beautiful.  
you should take better care of yourself.  
hopeful, delicate, smooth.

voice:  
i find it strange that i don't talk about  
how nice your voice sounds.  
to others it might be high-pitched and obnoxious,  
and it is to me sometimes, too,  
but it sounds reassuring at this point.  
it sounds like home.  
it makes me feel like you're always there  
when i hear your words playing in my head.  
you yell sometimes, and that's okay.  
when i think of your voice,  
i think of how much you love it  
when you were at a concert  
and complained of how terrible your singing was,  
and how much your throat hurt.  
even so, you still enjoyed every second.  
it's characteristic of you,  
and makes me happy to know that you were  
enjoying yourself so much.  
loud, confident, expressive.

yes, it might sound weird now.  
yes, i know it's a bit creepy.  
yes, this might just be because i'm not used  
to someone like you being so nice  
and giving genuine affection  
to someone like me.

i hope you never read this.  
i still want you to know  
that every word i say is true.

i love you.  
i love you and your terrifying music taste.  
i love you even when your terrifying music taste rubs off on me.  
i love you when you don't love yourself.  
i love you when you somehow manage to love me.  
i love you and your tiny laugh.  
i love you and your breathy laugh.  
i love you when you get mad after i make a pun.  
i love you if you never love me back.  
i love you no matter what kind of love it is.  
i love you even if you never know.  
i love you.


	2. anot(her)

god, it happened again.

another adorable face  
that i can’t get out of my head.

her name makes my heart flutter  
and the color of her eyes  
make me melt into nothing.

the only issue is,  
she will never love me  
and doesn’t know i love her.

every time i fall in love,  
it’s the same thing.  
i don’t want anything heavy  
and i don’t want to take things  
too far.

somebody to hold,  
somebody to talk to,  
somebody to leave the prints  
of lipstick on my cheek.

her peach eyeshadow  
and long lashes  
with her stunning blue eyes.

her soft freckles  
and bubbly laugh  
and an optimistic attitude  
that never fades.

she’s the perfect height  
and has the nicest body  
to wrap into a hug.  
she moves a finger back and forth  
against my shoulder,  
and it feels so calming.  
it’s like she knows.  
she knows i need comfort  
in these daily hugs.

she has a boyfriend,  
and i watch them every day.  
in each other’s arms,  
wishing i could be her boyfriend.

never in my life would i ever  
tell her that i love her.  
i want her as a friend,  
but i also want something more.

why does it have to be this way?


End file.
